Existent
by Hasselhoff
Summary: Abby endures a night as an intern, until something changes and she's not sure what.
1. Prolouge: Flashes of Light

_Authors Note: Okay this is going to seem crazy and like it doesn't make sense, but I have this idea in my head, and I needed to get something down on paper, and this is what I got down. The next chapter will be longer this is just a prologue. Anyway tell me what u think, I will be writing a second chapter sometime after Tuesday... And if you are a fan of my other fic finding the truth, look out for a fourth chapter of that coming out soon. _

_Disclaimer: Not mine. _

_Rating: G/PG _

* * *

It's October and it feels like February. It's Friday but it feels like Monday... The beginning of hell, until she realizes that hell will never stop. No matter the day, and the days no matter how long, will continue to be bitterly cold, this will be her routine.

Her fingers clasp around the Styrofoam cup, keeping her hands warm, the liquid is almost frozen, after only being purchased ten minutes ago. Goddamn Chicago weather. Her nose feels like it's going to fall off, and the fact that it's pitch black at six o'clock doesn't help either. She can barely see in front of her feet, but she continues walking. Pretending like nothing is bothering her as she gripes to herself, like she does everyday. Somewhere along the line this lifestyle got tiresome. She made an effort to change, and she has, but as she has learnt change is never too permanent, at least not all aspects of it.

So here she is, one year later, a doctor, a professional, sober, and happy... She thinks. Or as happy as she will ever be. Which says more than most people will ever know. Yet still the same cynic that she was five years ago when she started working here. Funny how some things never change. Maybe that's because she can never fully change. She will carry around the same burdens and responsibilities, but her outlook as changed a bit.

"Abby!" She knew the chase had to end eventually. She had hoped she could make it at least half way to her apartment before it did.

Swinging around she is met face to face with an enraged Doctor Lewis, her hair wind blown, and her eyes drab and dreary. There's nothing like having a six month old at home... She'll get the hang of it eventually.

"What?" Her voice comes out harsher than intended.

"You can't just walk out when you don't like something. I do or say, I'm in charge now." Abby rolls her eyes at her friend. She understands... Most of the time at least. Ever since Susan received her promotion it seems as though she is power hungry, demanding, bossy and just a plain bitch to work with. But right now her face is soft, and pleading, begging with Abby to let this go... Make Susan's life that much easier.

"Okay." She says replies dryly; not really wanting to get into this with Susan right now. She wants to be at home, in her nice warm bed... Not here working a thirty-six hour shift.

"Okay... Now get back to work." Susan turns on her heels. Abby looks out at the ambulance bay... She didn't get far not at all. The darkness has turned peaceful, almost soothing. She looks out into the night with a sense of jealousy and envy, how can such a simple thing turn so beautiful in just a matter of seconds. The night seems to change by the second, while it took her years to change. Even then she had to learn to change, learn to keep up with her change. Now she is still changing. Friends are no longer supporting her she is supporting them, even if they don't want her support. Which seems to be the case lately...

She turns on her heels heading back into the hospital, when something across the street catches her eye. Swiveling around she watches the little boy, focusing to see if he is alone. His little fist balled at his sides, head hanging in front of him, and she thinks she hears cries for help in the distance. Ignoring the fast paced traffic she dodges cars trying to make it to the little boy in time, his hands moving to his face wiping stray tears away...

Just as a beam of white and yellow smack her in the face. Her body falls ravaged to the ground, knees bent, arms crashing to her sides...A distinctive crack can be heard echoing in the streets as her head drops to the cement.

_

* * *

_

_Authors Note: Short I know. Next one will be longer promise... hit that review button... please? _


	2. Wide Awakening

_Authors Note: Hey all, first of all I just want to say thank you so very much for the reviews you have NO IDEA how much that meant to me. Like it was amazing and awesome and just wow. So thanks everyone who took even a second out of their day to drop me a line... Here is your second chapter, and I will tell you I have an idea that I really wanna follow through with so give me a chance with this. In a chapter or two it'll pick up a bit more. Also I did take a second look at the first chapter and I fixed it up a bit, nothing really added, more grammar and spelling. _

_(thank you's at the bottom)_

_

* * *

_

_Sharp pains shoot up and down, a loud thunder like noise rings in my ears, resembling the sound of a skull cracking in two. Sirens pierce the air, black looms over head, but I can't see it. Splashes of red and white creep in front of me. I try to pry my eye lids open, but I can't. Muffled voices veer around, the odd word sounding familiar, but nothing that I can comprehend completely. I'm living in a daze, falling into an endless hole. I'm trying to hold on but I can't. My fingernails dig deeper and deeper, scraping trying to free me from the endless pain that has encompassed my body. I'm not older than thirty-five, but I feel at least sixty years older. My body is numb and frail, my face feels as though someone is ripping my skin from me. I just want to move, stand up, and breathe. I try to wiggle around, the cement beneath me is no help, and it just pulls me deeper into my paralyzed zone. I open my mouth to speak, but the words don't come... _

"_Help." I try screaming it, I know nothings coming out, my voice is shrill, a thousand needles dig into my mouth, and blood chokes me... _

"_Help..." My efforts dwindling... It's useless._

"Help!" A voice filters through the peaceful silence. "Help..." Again, "help!" Bringing my fingers up to my throat, I realize it's me. I shuffle around on the bed beneath me, my fingers frantically searching my body, feeling every inch, exploring, the tips of my fingers run along my skin, roughly gripping at my tender flesh. In a gasp I am on my elbows searching the room with my eyes.

The exam room meets me, greeting me, as it does everyday, with the same bland hello. A tray lies beside the bed; I must have knocked it over in my dream state. More like nightmare. I can't even recall what happened. Everything is such a horrid blur. A few glimpses into the dream flash in front of me, but nothing to dig my nails into. Running my fingers over my tired face, I lift myself into a sitting position. My hair falls around my shoulders, a few strands crowding my view; I blow them out of the way haphazardly. I look like hell and I know it, soon the whole ER is going to, too. I throw an elastic in my hair, sloppily and pad out to the chaos.

"Abby." Sam says, cornering me with a chart. Great, I can just imagine this one; heartburn is my guess, the flu, or something trivial like that. Ah, the joys of being an ER doc. Mostly little knick and knack cases, but every once in a while you get a case that looks normal, but that is only on the surfaces. Those and Traumas are what keep the days from blurring together.

"What do we have?" I ask as I take the chart from Sam's hand, briefly flipping through it, as she gives me the bullet.

"12 year old took Viagra." She says coolly. Well isn't this a hell of a day. I sigh, trying to suppress my giggles.

"What?" My eyes widen as I choke back the escaping giggles.

She giggles before continuing, "he was visiting his grandparents, and I guess the drugs were accidentally left out on the table, and you know kids. He thought it was candy ending up popping a pill..."

"And now he has a permanent erection." I finish for her, letting a smirk cross my lips.

"Thank god my parents refuse to take Alex." She sighs, before following me into the exam room. I definitely could see her son taking Viagra, not out of nativity though, just to be a shit disturber.

"Yeah really." I grin. Together we push into the room. There sits what could possibly be the funniest sight in the world, that is if the parents didn't look like they were about to kill their son, as well as the grandparents.

"I don't know why you would keep them out on the table..." The lady, who, I'm presuming, is the mother, hisses. The grand parent's faces are flushed red, embarrassment is obvious. Yet not quite as embarrassed as the twelve years old boys, who hand are protectively covering his... erection. Sam and I gland at each other amused. I flip through the chart finding the boys' name.

"R-Ryder." I say, plastering a smile on my face. "How are you...?" I ask, taking a glimpse down at his hands. He looks up at me, eyes pleading with me to fix him and now. What would be the dream of a thirteen or fourteen year old boy, is what a twelve year old dreads. Funny. I know many men, most of my ex boyfriends in fact, who would kill for a permanent erection. Hell I would kill for them to have one.

"Good." He replies, eyes downcast face a deep shade of crimson. His hands are obviously shaking now.

"Okay then." I glance over at the parents, not really sure of what they expected me to do. "Mr. And Mrs. Garner, there is really nothing we can do for your son."

"Nothing?" Mrs. Garner's voice is just as desperate as her son's was moments ago.

"I'm sorry ma'm, but the erection is not permanent... permanent. It will go away, and Ryder will be back to normal. We would, however like to keep him here, just incase the drug has side effects that could harm him."

"Uh- Doctor..." I look over at the man sitting next to Mrs. Garner. "This won't effect his uh-"He tries gesturing with his hands, moving them in constant circles.

"Effect his?"

"Effect his... future..." I give him a quizzical look.

"His future erections." The grandfather blurts out. Sam giggles and I hold my hand out to her, signaling for her not to laugh.

"Uh- well..." I roll on the balls of my feet. "It shouldn't... I think he will be okay."

"Thank you." His father answers, I nod in agreement, bursting through the doors, with Sam on my heels.

The door slams into the wall as we make our way out of the room. I can hear Sam try to calm herself. Being a Doctor or nurse you see a lot of weird things, but for some reason none seem to add up to that. A twelve year old boy with an erection from taking viagra, yup this one definitely goes in the archives. I turn around to face Sam who is waiting for my orders. "Just-"I bite back a giggle, "this shouldn't be funny." I finish laughing...

"Oh it should, and it is. If Alex did something like that, well then it would be different..." She chuckles out.

"Something like what?" Pratt asks walking by.

"Take Viagra." Sam answers, he gives her a quizzical look. I look over his shoulder spying Susan in the corner flipping through charts looking less than thrilled. I watch her for a second as she breathes deeply, her eyes downcast, holding the pen absent-mindedly in her fingers. I wander over to her leaving the conversation.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I say warmly. She smiles up at me, her smile tired and sad.

"How have you been?" I sit down next to my friend.

"Oh well, you know between interns walking out on me, and a crying baby not too mention a shit load of work..." I laugh lightly, I guess yesterday was immature. No, I know it was immature, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

"Look Susan-"I place my hand on her arm.

"Don't worry I know Abby." She smiles, "and it's okay, you just owe me." She grins.

"Owe you?"

"Oh yeah... Dinner and a movie, your treat."

"My treat?" I laugh, pointing at myself.

"Oh yeah, hurry up Lockhart finish your shift, you have a date." She grins getting out of her chair, and leaving me stranded. Well, I guess a date with a married woman wouldn't be so bad.

_Authors Note: I hope you liked that chapter, you can let me know by reviewing;)_

**

* * *

**

**Review Responses:**

**_soaringmunkymuffins:_**_Thanks, I did go back and fix up the first chapter a bit cause I wasn't pleased with it. _

**_striker20:_**_lol no not really, but thanks for the review, I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations. No one gets run over, sorry.___

**_Rizzo1: _**_Oh, I have big plans.___

**_iloveleo15:_**_Thanks, I'm glad you liked.___

**_Hyperpiper91: _**_Okay._

**_Flame31: _**_Did that clear anything up for you?_

**_Anonymous: _**_yeah I was a little tired when I wrote that, and this one too... But I looked over that one and fixed it up, and I tried my best on this one... I don't have a beta though. _

**_ER-OC.Wot a Combination:_**_I hope you like this... This chapter may have been a bit different than expected, but stick with it you might like it._

**_Froggiezaz:_**_ Don't worry I plan on finishing this, and my other fics. I am pressed for time lately. I don't have the freedom I had in previous years._

**_Lu78:_**_ I hope you liked this chapter as much as the last. _

**_Angel Dust:_**_ Finding the truth is taking some thinking, maybe I'll have something out in the next week. _

**_Stefi:_**_ Lol I'm not quite sure it's going to be anything like the other stories where Abby gets injured._

**_Robyn:_**_ well thanks for hitting the review button lol... Short but sweet... glad you liked it. _

**_Thanks: _**_**I would like to thank everyone who reviewed, again. Thanks so much. I would also like to thank Liby she helped me come up with a few ideas for this fic and also helped guiding me with it. So thanks a lot... you're input has always helped. **_

_And if you feel so inclined... review again? _


	3. Possibilities

_Authors Note: First I want to say sorry about the wait for this chapter. I had started it about five times before I actually completed it. I'm not going to make this a long authors Note, just thanks for the reviews and it could be a while till the next chapter, November is a jam packed month for me, but December and the beginning of January you can expect more updates. I'm not sure when I will have another chapter of Finding You out either... sorry guys I'm trying. Also I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations it was a little rushed. _

_(Thank You's at the bottom)_

* * *

Flurries of white slowly soar to the gray cement, leaving a wet mark where it lands. Ah, Christmas, 'tis the season to be jolly. Or so they say. I rub my hands together in a feeble attempt to keep warm. With Christmas a month or so around the corner the crazies seem to be flooding the halls, not to mention Thanksgiving happening in a week. Jesus Christ, I hate this time of year. My days filled with work, night with charts and catch up work. The days are darker, and my life is starting to feel like a deep black hole. With no social life I guess that is the best I can hope for.

I fish around in my coat pocket, pulling out a crumpled package. I pop it open with the heel of my hand. I pull the cigarette out with my forefinger and thumb, grasping it lightly before sparking up my lighter. I inhale deeply, as a shadow is slowly cast over me.

"Can I borrow a light?" Carter smiles tiredly, down at me. I push the lighter into his palm, watching as he repeats my actions.

"I didn't know you smoked." I flick the ashes onto the dirty ambulance bay, watching as they slowly flicker away, before returning my gaze to the man standing before me. He shrugs noncommittally, running his eyes over me before taking another drag of the cigarette.

"Old habits die hard I guess." He gestures with his chin towards the hand that holds my cigarette.

"I guess I never really quit." I sigh. We stand in silence for a moment, thoughts running through my mind a mile a minute. I've been worried about him lately, we all have. Ever since his drunken stupor in July he just hasn't be the same. I've seen him eyeing the new social worker... which worries me more than it does comfort me that he is making a full recovery. I feel a pair of eyes bore into me, and I look into them.

"What?" I ask smiling, he raises his eye brows shaking his head in response. "How have you been?" I ask watching him smoke the cigarette, he blows a puff of smoke out, keep his eyes on me the whole time.

"Alright..."

"Oh," a simple response to a lie. "Really?" I push.

"Well what can I say, my girlfriend left me, my son is dead, my grandmother is dead, my parents don't speak to me... and I have essentially no one." He tosses the stub onto the ground, before walking through the doors into the hospital. I stare after his figure, not so freaked out because of the speech. More freaked out about its delivery. How he could show such little emotion is beyond me... He's changed. He's definitely changed.

I follow him through the doors, he enters the lounge, I decide its probably best I wait a few minutes before going in there. I spot Susan at the admit desk, she is flipping through a chart, her eyes blurred and her demeanor slumped over the desk. "Tired?"

"That's understatement." She mumbles her eyes not leaving the chart. I chuckle a bit watching her scribble a patient's information down on the paper.

"That bad?"

"I'm suddenly seeing the wisdom in being a stay at home mom."

"What, so you can clean up dirty diapers, throw up and toys all day. Not to mention do the house work, listen to constant crying, and have your nipples cracked from all the breast feeding?"

"I don't see how that's much different from what we do her." She deadpans.

"Good point... I've never had cracked nipples from any of the patients though." I crack. She smiles in response, slamming the chart into the dispo bin. She rests her elbows on the desk, supporting her chin in her hands.

"How has life been?" She asks running a hand through her hair. I lean with my body against the admit desk, turned towards her. I watch as Carter exits the lounge.

"How do you think he's doing?" I ask looking at her. She shrugs in response. Susan's not one to get _too_ into the personal lives of others. Although we Carter and I were together she did dabble a bit, never did any harm though.

"How would I know? He wandered around her like a zombie for the first month or so, now he's suddenly onto some new chick..." She sighs, standing up straight.

"I'm worried, but he won't talk to me." I sigh, frustrated. I want to support him like he did me. I feel as though I owe him, he helped me, whether he knows it or now, I probably wouldn't be sober today if it weren't for her and I just feel like I should pay him back. Too bad he doesn't want that.

"Give him time... He has to figure this out on his own."

"Not when he's relapsing." I counter.

"Well, if you get involved you could just drive him deeper into the addiction, let him figure things out for himself." With that she leaves me, and heads into the lounge. I sift through the stack of charts finding one that is simple not too complicated, I plan to ease into this shift.

After ten patients and being thrown up on once, I decide its time for a cup of coffee, granted it doesn't taste much like coffee, but any excuse for a break is a good excuse. I head across the street to the jumbo mart. The building is warm, and doesn't smell of sickness. I push thru the crowd of people, spotting Luka at the cash register paying for, What looks to be, a cup of coffee. Smart man.

"Hi." He smiles down at me, taking a long sip of the caffeine infected drink.

"Hey," I turn to towards the cashier, "one coffee to go." She nods at me and travels over to the coffee maker to make my drink.

"How are you?" I run my fingers through my tattered hair, which hasn't been combed since long before my shift started.

"Good..." He takes a breath, "I'm going back to Africa." The cashier hands me my cup of coffee, and I hand her the coins.

"Really? For good? What about Sam?" He laughs shaking his head at me, a few strands of long black hair fall into his eyes.

"No, just for two weeks... I am still a big advocate of the program, and would like the help out no matter what happened to me last time." I can understand that. "It's a good organization... you know we are always looking for more doctors." He looks at me poignantly, "good doctors..."

"Oh no." I shake my head, "don't look at me. I'm barely holding my life together here, all I need is more drama." I pick up my coffee and together we walk out into the night. The black sky ahead, meets with the snowflake splashed pavement, the signs in the distance are the only lights that can be seen. I really do love this time of year.

"Come on Abby, it's a good program. You have nothing keeping you here." Thanks for the reminder, Luka. I roll my eyes at him, concentrating more on my walking, and trying to avoid the topic at hand. He stops in the middle of the ambulance bay cornering me, "at least think about it. You may like it, I know you like to help people... This is just another way of doing that."

I take a deep breath letting his words muddle in brain. _Another way of helping people. _Carter did it, Carter loved it. I mean, his life has never been the same since he went to Africa. He started a whole new life from that point on, I don't plan on doing that... but the idea does have some appeal.

"Well, I'll keep it in mind Luka, but I think right now I'll just focus on getting through my internship, then I'll consider taking off."

"Up to you. Anyway, I better get back to work. See yah in there."

"Yeah, see you in there." My mind is in a completely different place, Africa... The idea has never sounded so tempting. Carter wanted me to go with him, well for a minute he did. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea, just maybe...

* * *

**Review Responses**

**Kelena-** I'm glad you liked the last chapter, there was a bit more humour in that one then in this.

**Carby-Always-** Thanks for the compliment, I think I do need a beta, if you are up for it send me an email.

**Dr. A-** Yup just to what degree is the question.

**Steffi-** Sorry this is as fast as I could do. I'll try for more updates!

**Lu78-** No, thank you!

**Angel Dust-** Thanks, I like twists... I'll just let you know that.

**Maura-** lol yep it was a dream... that's okay I thought I might of wrote a bit confusing.

**MrsClooney-** You can thank Liby for that Idea... she was the brains behind the erection.

**Olivia-** Thanks, I like that Susan and Abby have a frienship, although they don't really show much of it anymore.

**XoRetributionox-** Yeah the chapters are short, but I will try to make them longer, when I have more free time they will be longer.

**Soaringmunkymuffins-** Thanks, this chapter was a little lacking, but I did what I could with the time I had lol.

**Chaos Theory 137-** lol yeah too bad... you could always stalk her... and OF COURSE I used your idea, you are the best!

**Froggiezaz-** lol cars are scary:S

**Robyn-** haha 16 year olds on viagra... Ashton Kutcher took viagra to impress Demi Moore lol... I watch too much tv lol.

**Striker20-** lol must admit being a girl rocks! Just like the pad commercials say!

_Authors Note- If you want you can always review again... or for the first time:) _


	4. Words

_**Authors Note- **Sorry I haven't updated in...about a week, hey that's not so bad... I think this chapter moves things along a little bit. Anyway, I just want to beg again to see if anyone will be my beta... if you are interested can you please email me, my address is in my profile... it's _

_Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed._

* * *

"It seems longer, longer than usual. More mundane, redundant. I guess after going to years of meetings they eventually become that way. Listening to other people rattle off tales from their childhood's, however depressing, or happy at times even, they all sound the same. Each story blends together, taking on the shape and form on the last story heard. Making us all seem the same, the same childhood, the same vices, and the same futures. It's a life nobody wants, yet so many of us seem to have. Each meeting the stories become longer, the coffee weaker, and the faces change...

But it's still my life.

Something that, due to my own mistakes, my own choices, I can't shake. It's a part of me I'm a part of it.

I'm an addict.

We're all addicts."

The podium seemed further away from my seat, then I remember, the room; more crowded, and the faces less friendly. My words have changed since I last spoke, my feelings have changed, but my story hasn't. And maybe that's why I've stopped telling it. Is there really a point anymore? It's been told and retold so many times I'm not sure there is a point to it. It has stayed the same, but I don't want too. I have to have a plan, a goal, a future.

I push out of the room, the door flies shut behind me crashing into the post that it rests against. I'm leaving. It's over. My last meeting, maybe forever? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll go to one somewhere down the line when the temptation gets to be too much. One day when my world is in shambles around me, its bound to happen again, maybe I'll see some of these faces again.

Until then...

The ambulance bay is eerily empty, and the streets crowded, this makes me believe my shift is going to be hectic. The doors open for me, I rush into the lounge knowing I'm late, and knowing Susan is going to kill me. Ever since she got her new job she's been... well, she's been different. At first she couldn't take control, now she's trying so hard to take control, to lead us, everything seems like its worse now. She'll eventually get the hang of it, until then I'm staying out of her way.

I eye the somewhat empty waiting room... Maybe she's just killing them all? I look around for signs of life, but there isn't any. Good. This means I'll have an easy last shift. I haven't really told anyone that I'm going. Kerry knows, Susan might. I hope she doesn't, but I can't guarantee anything. If she does I didn't tell her. I was reluctant to listen to Luka at first, but he really sold Africa for me. It's not so much having fulfillment in my life, like I think it was for Luka and Carter, it's more flexing my doctor muscles. I'm not looking to add a missing piece to the puzzle of my life, I'm not looking to meet someone and fall in love. (I'm not sure love is the thing for me anymore.) I think I already tried to do that, I used Carter and Luka to fill a hole, but now... Now I'm ready to let go.

Let go of everything.

I push into the lounge and scurry to my locker throwing the door open and slinging my stethoscope around my neck, I still get a rush of pride whenever I do this. The silence is broken by voices outside of the lounge, I can't quite distinguish who they are, until I hear Franks booming voice.

"So you've recruited another one of our doctors." I hear him say, as I shut my locker door.

"Huh?" I look out through the window, seeing that he is talking to Carter, not Luka.

"Abby... She's going to Africa, she just got a package. Jesus, you really cut your ex's out of your lives when you move on, two days after the break up don't you?"

"Shut up Frank." That seems to be the consensus around here lately. I take a deep breath, using the lounge door as my shield from Carter. I really, really did not want him to find out about my trip. He'll think I'm venturing into his territory, or something of the sort. I peek out the window once again, seeing that the coast of clear of any tall, handsome, insane, doctors. Check. Only Morris is out there.

"So when you going?" Frank hangs over me, like a dog on a mans leg. I push past him, flipping through a chart while trying to ignore him.

"So?" I roll my eyes looking up at the balding man.

"So, what?" I push past him, trying to get away from the Spanish inquisition.

"Africa, when are you going?" He speaks to me as though he's speaking to a toddler.

"None of your business."

I can hear him make some rude remark as I walk away. I really don't care, or have the energy to say anything back. I have a shift to start patients to treat and Carter to avoid. Ever since he got back from Africa we haven't been as close as we use to be. Hell, ever since we started dating we hadn't been as close as we use to be. That was a big mistake. Bigger mistake than dating Luka. Luka was different, maybe there weren't the emotions, like I had with Carter, maybe that's why we were able to move on, and not harbour any anger or jealous feelings. With Carter the jealousy was still there... For me at least. Maybe not so much anymore, but we had something. Amazing how feelings can fade.

"Girls night tonight." I look behind me to see Susan looking exhaust, but excited at the same time.

"I just started." I smile, she shrugs, joining me in the drug lock up.

"You'll be off before twelve?" I nod in affirmation, "well then it's still ago."

"Isn't that a little late for you?" I tease, she pokes me in the side.

"Ha, ha... That's funny. Chuck is giving me the night to myself, so I'm going to crash at your place and we're going to watch a bunch of sappy, girly movies and wait for our prince charming."

"I thought you already found yours."

"Yeah well, I can still dream of Patrick Swazey and me in a white dress, can't I?"

"Maybe you would have had the white dress if you had done it right before." I crack.

She watches quietly as I stock the drug lock up. "So, we know how my love life is... The question is... How is your love life?" What love life? I wake up, look at a stack of bills, go to work, come home, riffle through that stack of bills and decide which I want more that particular month, heat or water, then I pass out on my couch before I can make my decision. The closet I've come to having sex was a run in with my mailman, and that included flying papers, bumping arms and a slight pelvic grind, but it was barely there...

"Earth to Abby..." Oh right...

"The same." I slam the door to the lock up and leave with Susan. "So we're doing this when you get off... You can't flake out on me. I need to get out of the house. All I have is work, which is driving me insane, and whenever I go home Cosmo is screaming... I love him..."

"But you need your quiet."

"Exactly." We stop outside of an exam room with one of my patients in it.

"Don't worry Susan, I'm here for you."

"Thank you." She smiles, just as Carter comes up to us.

"Abby can I have a word with you." I look at Susan who shrugs her shoulders, and then leaves me. Thanks Susan.

"Sure." He leads me into an empty exam, he shuts and locks the door then pulls the blinds closed. I remember him doing this before, but something tells me this time we won't be doing that. I wait for him to turn around, he smiles at me weakly and continues to stare. Hm, maybe he thinks we are going to do that, I vaguely remember last time starting off like this... And then my shirt was hanging on the doorknob.

"So?" I ask a little curious as to where this really is going.

"What's new?" He asks, okay I know exactly where this is going. Damn him for catching me off guard.

"Nothing," I lie. He shakes his head knowing that I am lying.

"Nothing?" I just shrug, I'm not sure it's any of his business as to what I do with my life. It was when he was going, we were in a relationship then, and things were different. Now I can travel where ever the hell I want and don't have to tell him.

"Like I said... Nothing." I try to maneuver around him, but he stands in my way, reaching his forward and resting it on my shoulder.

"Why don't you just be honest with me? Why can't you just me honest with me?"

"I don't have to tell you what I am doing in, or with, my life, Carter." I raise my voice a little.

"Africa, Abby? Africa?" He screeches, "do you know how dangerous it is there?" He hollers at me.

"First, don't yell at me... Second, I'm not a child, Carter. I don't need you to protect me, and I don't see why you would want too."

"You have just become a doctor, do you really think now is the time to go out there and try to save the world..."

"So I should wait till I'm emotionally unstable, and angry at everyone then run away?" I counter.

"That was low..." His voice calms down a bit, "really, really low." I shake my head a bit, looking at him through the dim light. His hair is longer than it use to be, his eyes framed by dark black semi-circles, his lips rough and dry. He is haggard and tired...was he this way when he left? Was he this bad? Did I help contribute to his eventual emotional breakdown?

"I want to help people... I want to see what it's all about... I want something different. I need something different."

"Can't you do another ambulance ride along or something? Go somewhere like Paris... I don't know... Help out at a shelter, but please don't go to Africa." He pleads with me, his eyes beg me to change my mind for him.

"I don't understand why you have such a problem with this... Am I walking on your turf or something? Are only you allowed to there?"

"No Abby, Jesus, its not that." He throws his hands wildly into the air.

"Then what is it?" I scream.

"I don't want to loose you..."

* * *

_**Review Responses** _

**_Kalena-_** Carter? Hmm I don't know... Maybe, maybe not... heh, Carter is definitely gonna be in this fic, if you couldn't tell, lol, but how he is going to be in it, is the question. Thanks for reviewing.

**_Tracey- _**Yeah I'm not sure where the Abby idea is going, I'm trying to take it somewhere I'm just not sure where yet...Thanks for the review... and by the way I love your fics lol... didn't know you were... well you...

**_CamilaC-_ **Carby has always been an option lol... always.

_**Striker20- **l_ol yes she really would... but they seem able to show up anywhere.

**_Soaringmunkymuffins-_ **heh I love plot twists, this ones twirling about.

**_Iloveleo15-_ **Thanks... I'm glad you're liking it.

_**Authors Note-** Thanks for reading and reviewing?_


	5. Aftermath

_**Authors Note-**_ Sorry it's been so long since I posted, but my school is out for the holidays... Thanks to my new betas Heather and Karen... you guys rock thanks so much! Thanks to all the reviewers. And of course thanks to Liby I love you, you could never be replaced :D!

_She doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess  
If you catch her stealin, she won't confess  
She's beautiful_

_She smokes a pack a day, oh wait, that's me but anyway  
She doesn't care a thing about that, hey,  
She thinks I'm beautiful  
Meet Virginia_

Sorry it's been so long since I posted, but my school is out for the holidays... Thanks to my new betas Heather and Karen... you guys rock thanks so much! Thanks to all the reviewers. And of course thanks to Liby I love you, you could never be replaced :D! 

Three am; the most absurd hour of the night, if you ask me anyway. Smack dab in between morning and night. The darkest hour. Shadows pollute the earth, our deepest fears chasing us around, lurking in the bushes. A healthy glow from the moon, lights the only path through the dirty streets of Chicago. The silence is overwhelming, the peace a bit unnerving. I've never been entirely uncomfortable walking at night... it brings a sort of sense of adventure. You don't know what will or can happen, where you will end up... As scary as that is, it's a bit comforting to me.

I lean on the door to my building it opens with a groan, as I hold the door open for a second before buzzing myself in. The hallways are blackened by the night, a light glow from one of the apartments is the only light in the whole building.

I head for the stairs, giving myself time to think tonight, rather that then a seconds peace in the elevator. Might as well get some exercise, I'm not going to get any sleep tonight anyway. My shoes knock the steps with a thud, I pull my hair out of my face, as I slowly climb each stair one at a time. My heel clicks up against the metal lining the step. At the top my lungs feel tight, I've been trying to quit smoking, each day I have one less than I did the day before. It hasn't seemed to help though. I push through the door, and reach in my pocket to grab my keys.

My apartment seems messier then it did this morning. I look around and notice Neela has taken her stuff, but she's left a bigger mess than before. I groan and look at the person behind me.

"She moved out?" I nod, biting down on my lip. She moved out, but you would never know by the looks of this place. I start to take my jacket off and he helps me grabbing one sleeve then the next. He drapes my coat, and his own, over the coat rack by the front door.

"It's probably for the best." I reply, lumbering towards the couch. He follows me and sits down next to me.

"You might miss the company." I scoff, I'm probably better off alone. He turns to face me, his tired eyes stare back at my own. I stare at the lines on his face. He looks so much older... I flick the light on and watch him for a second, before he ducks his head away and looks out the window.

"What?" He mumbles.

"You look older."

"It happens." I guess. But somewhere I still see the old him. Maybe it's the way his eyes stare back at me, and implore me to tell him what's on my mind. It could be how his hair falls flat on his forehead, or his crooked grin... or maybe deep down he never really changed. He's still sensitive, sweet, caring... flawed.

"Yeah..." My voice trails.

He turns to look at me again, our eyes meet and for a second it's like nothing changed. I trust him, I long to feel his arms around me.

"Tell me about him..."

She never compromises, loves babies and surprises  
Wears hi-heels when she exercises  
Ain't that beautiful  
Meet Virginia

"The minute I held him in my arms everything was real. The miracle, the pain, our relationship... everything I had experienced over the last year. Everything I know, everything I thought I knew. It made it all real, brought it into perspective. Yet, I had never felt more broken before in my entire life." His face falls, and he takes a moment to collect himself. "My brother died when I was eleven, I wanted to become a doctor the minute he died. I promised myself to never let anyone feel the way I did then, to never feel that way again. There I was, holding my dead son feeling the same way. Being a doctor didn't change that. I thought it I became a doctor I could fix everything no one could feel pain, I couldn't, my mom couldn't, my dad, because no matter what happened I could fix them." He laughs in spite of himself, shaking his head for a minute.

"I thought that if I became a doctor I could find a cure for bipolar." He watches me for a second. "That if I could find a cure for that everyone would be okay, my mom would be a real mom. I would make her better, and we would be a real family." I pause, and look at him. Those eyes implore me again. "I guess we both didn't succeed in doing what we thought we could... but maybe we did one better. We helped people other than ourselves."

He nods agreeing, "I don't even feel sometimes." He swallows hard, eyes watering. "Sometimes I just go through the motions, I don't even realize what I'm doing... I have no emotion..." He licks his lips slowly, hands grasped together in prayer, head bowed on the tips of his fingers. "Then I'll get a little boy who will remind me of Bobby, or I'll get a baby... or someone who doesn't want their baby... It brings those painful feelings back and I'm not sure if I'd rather feel something or feel nothing.

Bringing my finger to his chin, I lift it up, begging him to look me in the eye. "It will never go away, but the pain gets easier, John." He nods, swallowing. "It has... But I lost a part of myself with him... I let Kem go..."

"She went because she had too. He was her son. I know he was yours too, but she carried that baby inside of her for nine months... having another baby, that just wasn't something that she saw as feasible, Carter."

"I know." He leans back into the couch cushions and our eyes meet once again, a smile on his lips this time. "Thanks, Abby."

Well she wants to be the Queen  
Then she thinks about her scene  
Pulls her hair back as she screams  
I don't really wanna be the queen

We've moved to the kitchen, he's sitting at the table and I'm at the sink doing dishes "I'm realizing why people go into med school when they are young."

"It's a hell of a lot easier?" He chuckles. I nod groaning.

"I have been dead tired for weeks now, no matter how much sleep I get it's never enough."

"I know what you mean." I turn to look at him and our eyes lock once again. "You're the first person I've really talked too..."

"Kem?"

"She... it's too painful." I nod swallowing.

"Yeah."

"Wendall... I mean, we get along... but I can't... I can't see anything happening with her." I'm not sure when we got to the point where we could be this open and honest with each other... I mean ever since our break up we've both been pretty tight lipped on out love lives or lack there of, for my part.

I scoot closer to him taking his hands in mine. I run my thumb along the rough contours of his knuckles. He watches me intently, his once bright brown eyes, seem a darker shade of brown now. Holding more pain and anger, his nativity, or what was left of it after the stabbing, seems gone. The bad in the world has drained all the good from him. He gently pulls one of his hands from my own, cupping my cheek, I bury my face in his palm. The closeness is unnerving. We haven't been this close... this intimate in over a year, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He tips my chin up with his index finger, bringing his forehead down to mine, locking our eyes. I can feel his breath on my lips, his fingers move to the nape of my neck, running through my hair. I feel his fingers wrap tightly around my hands, as if he's holding onto me for dear life, afraid of slipping away. Loosing again. He can't bare to loose again and I'm not sure I can bare to loose him again. Our connection feels similar to the one we once had, yet deeper somehow. Holding more meaning, more depth... more emotion?

My eyelids close involuntarily, his grasp around my neck tightens and my freehand brushes the side of his cheek, his eyes close as well... We're trapped in a downward spiral hanging onto each other for dear life.

Her daddy wrestles alligators, Mama works on carburetors  
Her brother is a fine mediator for the President  
Well here she is again on the phone  
Just like me hates to be alone  
We just like to sit at home, and rip on the President  
Meet Virginia

The loud ringing of the phone brings us out of our trance. My hand flies behind me, gripping the receiver in my palm. I take a deep breath, finding my voice, before answering. "Hello?"

"Abby..."

"Susan?" Ah, the person who should be sitting here next to me instead of Carter... She got pulled back into the ER vortex and forced to work late, she wasn't pleased neither was I...

"It slowed down... So I just wanted to call to see how it was going." Hm. I can sense the curiosity in her voice. I know she saw Carter and I walk out together, she watched us go, giving me a sceptical look as we did so.

"Fine. It's going fine."

"Abby-" A hint of warning in her voice. "Be careful." I know exactly what she is talking about. Carter seems to be juggling a variety of woman these days, in different professions and locations it seems.

"Don't worry, Susan." My eyes make contact with Carter's and he looks at me carefully. "We are just talking." He rolls his head against my couch cushions. I watch him carefully, I'm not going to start anything else up with him. I can't. This is purely just friendship... support we have always been a rock for each other. Even when he's not there, I can't help but let him cross my mind.

"Okay. Abby just be careful." I'll be as careful as I can with him. I hang the phone up staring at him, his eyes are closed, his hand rests on my legs. There is a peace and serenity blanketing the air.

"I can't do this again, Carter." His eyes open and his stares at me, obviously perplexed.

"Can't do what?"

"You. Me. Me and You." He nods, biting on his bottom lip.

"I know. I don't expect it Abby." He swallows, moving his hands from my legs, and pulling my hands into his own. "I just... I don't want to loose us...our friendship. We've lost it so many times in the past." I agree. I don't want to loose what we have built up... it's no where close to where we use to be though. "I needed to go to Africa, Abby. I needed the escape... At the time I thought that's what I needed... I was running away."

"I'm not running away, John. I have nothing here that I am running _from_. No one." I stare at him, letting him know how serious I have become about this.

"It's a war zone Abby." He argues back.

"I'm a big girl Carter. You don't have to take care of me."

"It's not like you ever let me. I just- I worry about you there all by yourself."

"Shouldn't you be worrying about Kem?" He stares at me for a moment, he cracks his knuckles, starring at his hands.

"I do. But I have lost her already."

"John..." My voice firm. "You lost me in that sense a while ago." I smile half heartedly.

Well she wants to live her life  
Then she thinks about her life  
Pulls her hair back as she screams  
I don't really wanna live this life

I pull a pillow from my cabinet, and grab a blanket from the lower shelf. I hold the pillow in my hand, wondering how exactly my night turn into _this_. I'm not really sure how he ended up at my apartment. I thought the argument in the exam room would be enough to keep us away from each other for the rest of the year. Obviously not though. He confronted me on my way out of the lounging saying he wanted to talk... No. _Needed _to talk. I guess I figured it wouldn't hurt. And it hasn't. Not really. It brought us closer together maybe. I was never really a part of his pain before. Sure he called me the minute his son died. I did come running I mean, I was flattered... As selfish as that is, I was. I thought we had lost everything we had, but for him to call me during one of the most painful times in his life...

But now I'm not sure. I'm not sure where we stand. It seems that for so long we haven't been a part of each other's lives. He's been one place, and I've been another. He's been mopey, depressed, saddened. Understandable of course, but I just haven't fit into that equation very well. And now here we are, trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out why he cares so much if I go to Africa... When I go. I am going. I haven't told him yet, but I go and get my shots tomorrow...

I sigh, and bring the pillow and blanket out to him. He is perched on the edge of my couch. His head in his hands, he looks up at me when he hears me enter. A small smile crosses his lips, and he gets up to help me with the stuff in my hands. I follow him over to the couch, tossing the pillow onto the end. He falls against it hugging it to his cheek. I toss the blanket on top of him, and stare at him.

"What?" He mumbles, eyes closed.

"Are you going to sleep in that?" I chuckle at the sight of him in a suit, his hair a tangled mess not matching his formal look.

He gives me a coy smile... "Oh, so you want to see me naked." I roll my eyes at him as he reaches his fingers to his buttons and tosses the dress shirt to the floor, leaving him in a white sure. He promptly reaches down and opens the button and fly of his pants dropping them to the floor. He reaches for his underwear then stops...

"Sorry I sleep in my underwear." He laughs. I swat him on the arm before heading to my bedroom for the night.

She only drinks coffee at Midnight, when the moment is not  
right, her timing is quite-unusual  
you see her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic  
and the shape of her body - unusual  
Meet Virginia-I can't wait to  
Meet Virginia-Yea

****

Review Responses:

****

Lillian - If Abby goes to Africa I don't know if we'll have a Carter appearance, it's a tad over done... But I am going to make it interesting... don't worry;)

****

Soaringmunkymuffins- Emotional pain... Hm yes for sure! This story will have lots of that... I'm warning you this story is different then people think...:) Thanks for the review!

Striker20- I agree whenever I watch Frank on the show I'm like hmmm you're rude, but I can't help but wonder what he is going to say next.

****

Tracey- Yeah I forgot about that lol, thanks for reminding me... I think I'm going to let her finish her year... She's halfway through anyways.

Carby6- More is here!

BabyBoomBoom0029- Thanks... I'm glad you're liking it. Sorry it took me so long to update I had weeks of assignments and exams and stuff...

Kalena- lol I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'll try not to take so long to update next time.

AbbyL- I kinda fast tracked it lol....

Froggiezaz- There is gonna be carby in it, as you can tell for this chapter, but it's not gonna be all about Carby... if that makes any sense. lol, I wanna have other stuff too.... It's more Abby-centric I think.

Carby-Always- Thank you, I try.:)

Bobbyboots- Thank you! I hope you liked this chapter.

Thanks to everyone you rock my socks!


	6. Shady Celebrations

_Authors Note: I know I promised a sooner update, and I didn't deliver. For that I am sorry. My computer broke down over Christmas, and now I am back at school so I am able to get another chapter out. When the next one will be out I am not sure. Anyway I am sorry. I would just like to thank everyone who reviewed, and my betas. You guys rock, thanks for helping. And Liby, thanks for pointing out my house mistakes. I also don't really like this chapter too much, but I wrote it anyway. I have the next few chapters planned so maybe I'll have updates sooner. I would also like to thank my beta Heather... I changed pretty much everything 'cept for favour that's just my Canadian-ism coming through;) Thanks. _

* * *

"So… are you coming?" I groaned inwardly preparing for Susan's attack.

"I don't know, I'm really tired." I yawn, plopping down on the couch. She rolls her eyes at me, tucking a blond strand of hair behind her ears, before it falls in front of her eyes again. She sighs in frustration and focuses her attention back on me.

"Abby…"

"It's a child's party, Susan." I bring my hand to my mouth trying to stifle the oncoming yawns.

"Yes, _my _child's party." She sits down next to me, placing her mug on the coffee table.

"His first Christmas, and Chuck insists on having a party for him… I mean as my best friend, and Cosmo's godmother, I believe that is the least you could do…"

"Pfft." I snort, "I'm not your son's godmother… he's not even christened, or baptized or whatever." I close my eyes, hoping that if I imagine she is not here she will just magically disappear.

"Okay, then save me from my mother-in-law…" She moves her face inches from mine. I open my eyes, and glare at her. "Please?" She begs, her mouth set in a pout.

"Argh… is she _really _that bad?"

"Remember Carter's grandmother?" I nod.

"Times that by ten." She leans back against the couch, not taking her eyes off of me.

"Aren't you not suppose to speak badly of the deceased?"

"Yeah, well, you know just as well as I do that that lady was scary." It is the truth. But still.

"So?" She begs again, this time tugging on my arm. I quickly pull it back, holding it against my chest, and keeping her at arms length.

"Alright, alright." She stands up, a smile gracing her tired face.

"Well, thank you very much." She turns on her heels, grabs her jacket and leaves the lounge.

I roll my head against the cushions of the couch, trying to wake myself up a bit for this party. Working a double is not what I would call a good time. And now having a party to go to in about an hour, which definitely isn't something, I planned on. He is a cute kid though. I always get a little depressed when I see all the families at gatherings such as this one. Moms, dads, kids… I never really wanted children, and recently I haven't had time for a committed relationship, but there is always a tug on my heart when I see families together. Families together at Christmas, that is. I could always go with Ray and Neela. They are both in the same situation as I am. Granted ten years younger, but in the same predicament none the less.

I pull myself off of the couch, I guess if I am going to go to this thing I better make myself somewhat presentable. I won't have time for a shower, but I could put on the clothes I shoved in my locker sometime yesterday.

"Hey." I look behind me seeing Neela, she leans against the locker next to me. "You going to the cosmo's party?" She yawns, hmm seems like someone else doesn't really wanna go either.

"Yeah, you?"

"Sure. It's the only social thing I'll have done in the past month. I'm truly pathetic."

"No, not pathetic… Just…" I struggle to think of a word… "You're right, you're pathetic." I smile, she nudges me in the side before grabbing her coat.

"Ray's coming too, I believe." I inform her as we walk out to the admit desk.

"I didn't think he would be the type to go a babies Christmas party… just doesn't seem like his type of event.

I shrug, "free food, I guess."

"Just like him." We roll our eyes in unison. Neither of us really like Ray, but for some reason we tolerate him, and actually spend quite a bit of time with him. Which is odd considering how much time we spend bitching about him. It's probably equivalent to the amount of time we actually spend with him… or near him.

"Give me one minute ladies." Ray brushes past us and into the lounge. We both shrug, just content to stand there and mull over our separate thoughts. I glance behind me hearing the phone ring. Carter grabs it, and seems to know the other person on the other line. Our eyes meet and he smiles, before looking away, and focusing on the call at hand. I smile back briefly. We haven't talked recently. Not since he spent the night on my couch. The night I felt an unbelievable connection with him, one I haven't felt since we dated. I thought it might be the start of something. Like maybe our friendship again. But of course it seemed to do the opposite. Our relationship went back to work friends, and the occasional after-work talk. Other than that nothing. _Nothing_. He hasn't shared anything about his life, nothing about Kem. Nor Wendall, although I believe he is still seeing her, if not both. I glance back at him, a smile present on his lips, but his eyes are still sad. So sad.

"Ready?" I jolt back to reality, smiling at Ray and Neela. I glance back at Carter and wave. He waves back.

"See you at Susan's." Ray calls to him, he nods and continues on with his conversation. We exit the building and stand in the ambulance bay for a second.

"You know, I never understand how a guy like Carter could get two hot chicks." Ray muses. I roll my eyes at him, Neela watches me carefully, for what, I'm not really sure. She doesn't know much about our past.

I start to walk into the black of the night and let the two of them follow on my heels. I twirl my bag of clothes in my hand, listening to the rumbling of my stomach. "Do you guys wanna go get some dinner or something? I'm starving."

"What, and miss a minute of the child's 'first Christmas?' Absolutely not!" Ray exclaims, jogging in front of Neela and I.

"I want to go home and die." She groans. "But that's not possible, because I am living with Ray."

"He's not that great of a doctor, I'm sure you'd be safe to die with him around." We share a quick smile, before catching up with Ray.

We open the door to Susan's house. She and Chuck decided to buy one before they had Cosmo. It's small, in a nice quite neighborhood, on the outskirts of the city. She has done a nice job of fixing it up and making it into a cute livable place. I don't think I'll ever bother buying a house, not my style. I guess I enjoy renting too much.

"You came!" Susan smiles, throwing her arms around my neck and enveloping me in a tight hug that leaves me gasping for air.

"I said I would, didn't I?" I sigh.

"Didn't you also say you would rather date Ray, then watch gone with the wind… and you watched it didn't you." That deserves another eye roll, so I give it exactly that.

"Really?" He smiles smugly.

"In your dreams, rocker boy." I push him away from me and head for Susan's washroom. I should probably wash up a bit, and change into my clothes. Before I make it to the bathroom, I feel a tug on my elbow. I turn around and am greeted by Luka. He smiles at me warmly.

"You made it." He gives me a quick hug.

"Yeah, now I have to change."

"So, I hear you are going to go to Africa." I nod, a little excited and scared about my impending adventure.

"Not until June though. I am going to finish my internship, first." He nods, seemingly agreeing.

"Good idea. You will be a real asset there, Abby. Carter and I both enjoyed our time spent there. We met some very nice people."

"I never thought I would do this… When Carter first told me he was going, I was against the idea… and now, not so much."

"Things change."

"Or maybe people do." I smile to myself, knowing that I, for once, proved someone wrong. And it was the person who doubted me the most.

"You'll be great, Abby."

"Thanks, Luka." I turn around and look behind me, seeing Carter enter the party. He must have gotten off around the same time I did. I watch him for a second before walking into the washroom, and trying to make myself somewhat presentable. I fix up my ponytail, and change into fresh clothes. It's the best I can do, I look a little tired, but I am tired, so I guess that's not saying much. Or it's saying a lot.

I take another glance in the mirror, and sigh. I guess this is as good as it gets. I grab my pony tail for a second, twirling it around my fingers. Maybe I should go say hello to Carter, I haven't talked to him in a while and I do wonder how he is doing. I turn the knob and leave the tiny, yet well decorated, powder room.

I catch sight of the person I want to see, before a baby is thrown in my arms. "Watch him for a second please? I have to go break up the fight between Chuck and his mother." Susan runs away, leaving me with a cooing baby. I change direction and plop down on the couch. Cooing back at him. He is quite cute, he pulls on my hair, bringing it down to his chest.

"Hey Cosmo." I bring my lips down to his cheek and plant a kiss on him. He gurgles back at me. Well that's the most attention I've gotten from a male in a while.

"You're mommy will be back in a minute she just went to stop your father from clawing his mother's eyes out. Yeah, she has pretty eyes so we wouldn't want that."

"Oh, baby." Sam slides up next to me, taking Cosmo from me.

"Can you watch him for a bit. Susan went to save her mother-in-laws life."

"Sure." She plants a kiss on Cosmos belly, while I hunt for Carter. He's tall so this shouldn't be so hard. I see his head stick out in the mass of County General workers. He spots me and looks a bit worried, I shoot him a questioning a look back, before pushing through a throng of people. Then I see the exact reason for that look. I'm surprised I didn't see a blonde and brunette on each arm. Nope, just the brunette. She is smiling brightly, as is he. I want to turn away, but by now they've both spotted me. He looks nervous. As he should… wasn't he just saying how he didn't think they would work out? Wasn't he suppose to be with Wendall?

"Hi… Abby, right?" Kem asks giving me a questioning look. I nod in affirmation. She grasps tightly around Carter's hand.

"How are you?" I was worried for both of them when this happened… to loose a child… is hard enough… to loose a child because of something you can't control… that must be unfathomable.

"I'm doing… I'm okay." A fake smile flashes across her face. I plaster one on my own and give Carter a brief stare. He glances back.

"Well if you… two… need anything."

"Thanks." She smiles warmly at me.

"Anytime."

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Carter interrupts. He gestures towards the bedroom, I nod a yes. He kisses Kem briefly and leads me into the bedroom.

"Kem's gonna be in Africa when you go… I was thinking maybe you could stay with her." He starts the moment we reach the bedroom.

"No, I'm sure I'll be fine." I cross my arms over my chest.

"Abby-"

"No listen Carter, I don't need your help." My tone harsh and angry.

"Whoa- did I do something wrong?" He inquires, taking a step closer and crossing his arms over his chest.

"What you said, before… you know about your relationships… and now this?"

"Jesus." He shakes his head back and forth. "What I do in my personal life Abby… is well, personal. "

"Same with mine. If I wanna go to Africa and shoot people, or be shot by people that is my business…"

"Yeah well, I am trying to protect you… your safety, not control your life." He shouts back enraged.

"Not trying to control my life? Ever since you heard about Africa you've been trying to convince me not to go, now this with Kem?"

"Safety, Abby. _Safety_."

"I'm worried about your emotional stability."

"My emotional stability? That's bullshit… I came to you as a friend-"

"What are you saying? You are behaving the same way towards me. So you can be over protective of me, but I can't return the favour?" I shake my head at him, giving him one last look before heading out the door. I feel him come out behind me and I rush out of the house into the cool night air.

**

* * *

**

**Review Responses:**

**_ER-OC.Wot a Combination__-The first chapter ties in lol… Thanks for reviewing, fanfiction, or at least carby fanfiction has been a bit slow lately._**

**_Olivia – Hey thanks for reviewing. My updates are few and far between, I know, but I have been busy and stuck for ideas. I do have the next chapter all planned out though._**

**_The Lost- I don't know, He did call her when his baby died… I personally believe he would, or I wouldn't have written in that way. I don't think my story has been done at all… actually. It may seem like it but it hasn't. _**

**_Fran- I'm glad you liked it. Merry Christmas._**

**_Bobbyboots- Thanks I'm glad you find it realistic. _**

_**Striker20- she was telling her to be careful and not let Carter hurt her again.**_

**Tracey- I know my was screwing up part of my structure for the last chapter, at least it was on my computer, I had to fix it a few times. Yeah I love the song meet Virginia, I actually saw a carby video with it and I kinda thought it was a cool song for them. **

_**Froggiezaz- Africa is the plan… I think… maybe…**_

**_Love-carby- thanks I am glad you like the story_**

**Thanks For all the reviews, and everyone who reads, thanks as well!**


	7. Final Strike

_Authors Note- This could possibly be the choppiest/laziest/worst chapter I've ever written. That is exempting my earlier work of course. I didn't get anyone to read over it, because I just wanted to get something out there. But I have an idea of where I am taking the next chapter… Sort of. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and stuck by me, responses at the bottom. Sorry for the long wait… I'm not sure if anyone is even reading carby anymore. Oh well I'm still writing it._

* * *

The wind hits me like a brick. I can hear the door slam shut behind me, and I'm thankful for the silence. I feel around in my coat pocket for the one thing that I need right now. I haven't smoked in a while, hell I rarely have a pack on me, but this week has definitely been a stressful one, and although I haven't smoked a single cigarette, the temptation was there enough to buy the pack.

I hit the pack against the heel of my hand, taking one in between my fingers, I search around in my pocket for a light. I need a goddamn light, if I've ever needed one so much, now would be it.

"Shit." I mutter under my breath, pushing my hair behind my ears. Nothing. Damn it. I guess when you quit smoking you can't exactly be expected to carry a lighter around with you. Fuck. I toss the pack onto the steps, throwing my back against the concrete I heave a sigh. I'm having the worst week possible… work wise… that was up until five minutes ago. We had built up camaraderie, a friendship, a trust, at least that's what I thought. He just couldn't be honest with me. Dammit. He never can be.

"You looking for this?" I look to my right, there's Ray hanging over me with a lighter.

"Thank god." I scramble to get my package of cigarettes and free one. I inhale deeply as he lights up. Thankful for the nicotine, sometimes Ray can be a saint. Even if I won't openly admit it.

"So, things are pretty intense in there." I nod along, as he slips onto the space next to me. "I heard Carter and-"

"It's complicated." I cut him off. I can see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

"Seems it."

"You have no idea." I can hear as he chews on his lip. The black night falls over us, trapping me next to Ray… someone I'm not sure I want to be next too when I feel my world collapse.

"I wouldn't have guessed-" He stops mid-sentence causing me to look over at him. I cock my eyebrow nodding for him to continue.

"I mean, when I first came to the ER I never really saw you two together. I mean he had that girlfriend from Africa, the one he's with tonight." I roll my eyes at this. "And that social worker… Both very hot… still… up until now, I didn't see the sexual tension there." I lean back away from him and give him a look. "I mean you could cut that with a knife. Just fuc-"

"Okay that's enough." I stand up and head back into the building, throwing my cigarette to the ground before I enter. I run up the flights of stairs, having a sudden adrenaline rush.

I stop for a moment, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. I throw my head back.

"Abby." I look up, finding the owner of the soft French accent. My lips curl involuntary, I quickly smile tightly.

"Hi… Kem." I say swallowing my discomfort. She smiles back, although hers is genuine I can sense the apprehension behind it.

"Have you seen John? He just left, after he talked to you, and I'm not sure where he is. I thought he might be with you." I can sense the possessiveness behind her question. I shake my head gnawing down on my bottom lip.

"Uh- No sorry, I was outside talking to Ray. I haven't seen Carter, I assumed he was with you."

She sighs deeply throwing her arms out to the side. "He's not." She shakes her head a little running her fingers through her hair. "We were suppose only be here for a few moments, we uh-we haven't really- never mind. If you see him could you tell him I'm looking for him?" I nod, watching as she pushes past me to the entrance of the building. I watch for a moment as she sides down on the cold cement gazing out into the night. Ray is nowhere in sight, lucky for her.

I walk back up the stairs following her path. I don't really want to be here anymore, I've paid my dues, said hello, I could have spent more time with Susan or at least the baby, but what can I say; I'm a horrible friend. The drama has been controlling my every move ever since I started talking to Carter again. I feel as though I haven't to protect him, but he doesn't want me to. I just don't understand his motives anymore. _What drives you John Carter? What do you want? Do you want my mind? Do you want to screw with me? 'Cause you have, you've done an excellent job at that. You've gotta me walking one way and running another. God when did things get so complicated?_

I open the door to the party, pushing pass the other guest. I grab my jacket and throw it over my shoulders. I silently slip out of the party once I've located my purse and stopped to kiss the baby goodbye.

I quietly shut the door behind me, and begin my way down the steps. Digging my hands into my pocket, and finding my cell phone. There are so many things I could do. Call, give him the answer he wants. The answer he wanted when he called yesterday. After all there is nothing keeping me here. Nobody. And I'll have my work overseas…I stop just outside the door, Carter wraps his arms around Kem helping her off the step. He turns her around in his arms giving her a hug. His gaze slowly moves upwards locking with my own. With one swift motion her links their hands and walks away with her.

He just made up my mind.

* * *

**_Review Responses-_**

**_Soaringmunkymuffins- Africa or something like it;) thanks for the review_**

_**Striker20- as do most men;) hehe**_

**_Tracey- thanks… I read your last story I can't remember if I reviewed or not, but I enjoyed it. Oh and thanks this chapter did not flow as well… here's to the next one._**

**_Bobbyboots- Sorry it's been so long_**

**_Carolinacarby- Thanks!_**

_**Abbylockhart2- Maybe he will;) teeeheh**_


	8. Hesitation

**Authors Note-** _Hey sorry it's been like two months since I updated. I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this, but if you are next chapter I have all planned and I am excited for it. Thanks to all who has been reading and reviewing. Comments are at the bottom._

* * *

The night is dark. Black almost. A shadow, illuminated by a dull light, could not be seen.

The day ended all too soon, yet not soon enough. My world began crumbling not too long ago, the life I thought I was leading became a lie. Now I am doing something I have spent nights dreaming about. Something that has haunted me, plagued my sleep. I've seen images in my mind, things I might encounter, yet I know what I have conjured up won't come close to the reality of what I will see.

That scares me.

It scares me a lot.

It scares me that reality could be worse than my own personal demons. Throughout my whole life I have thought nothing could be worse than the life I lead. Now I am about to encounter a world- a world that is beyond worse- than my own. My life won't even skim the top of the water, compared to what I am going to see. And because of that I can't stop shaking. My hands are cold a clammy, and my mind is anywhere but where it's suppose to be. I thought I might get fired today for being in space too much. Luckily Susan had my back.

I shove the last article of clothing that will fit in my duffel bag on top and toss my duffel bag into the corner. I stare at the bag for a moment, as though I expect it to grow legs and walk out of the room, hide on me, save me from myself.

It doesn't.

Sighing for the fifty-seventh time today, I walk into the washroom, preparing to shower. The reflection in the mirror catches my eye before I can make it there. I look at the woman stare back at me. Long hair. Too long. My mother once said I was trying to relive my youth. I retorted that that was because she stole my youth from me. She wasn't impressed.

Each line on my face looks deeper, somehow more prominent than they did two months ago. Could I really be aging this quickly. If this is what I look like now what will I look like when I get back. When I have endure a fraction of what those who have been there for months have experienced. Can I really do this. I sigh again, looking into my brown eyes, they are hardened and empty. I drop my fingers to the cold ceramic sink, getting nothing but physical support, something which I don't need tonight. I need- I need more.

A long hard knock at my door brings me out of my reverie. I tear my eyes away from myself and pad towards my apartment door. Noticing how clean my apartment looks for the first time in months. At least I will have something nice to come home too. Superficial. Meaningless. But nice. The knocking continues. I pull on the knob while emitting a curse from under my breath.

"Carter." I say shocked.

He looks at me with brown eyes similar to what I just saw.

"Can I come in?" His voice firm, and intimidating. For the first time since I've known him I find him intimidating. He plows in past me, looking around my apartment, taking in all there is to take in, before turning to me with those sunken in eyes. His lips dried and set in a frown. Oh John. What have we done to each other.

"I talked to Susan today."

"Oh." Is all I can say. I study his coat, long and black. It looks worn, but not shabby. His hair is dishevelled, his cheeks are covered in day old stumble, knowing him he probably hasn't shaved in three days. He smells of cologne and cigarette smoke.

"Iraq?"

"They need doctors." I reply, shoving my hands into my sweater pockets, I bring one hand up to my ponytail, playing with the ends of my hair for a moment.

"Everywhere needs doctors. We need doctors."

"I recall saying that too you, not two years ago."

"Times change. People change."

"Sexism doesn't." I move to the couch sitting down, picking up the remote and flicking through the television channels, all the while staring mindlessly at the screen.

"Oh don't gimme that bull." I feel him move closer, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. He is that close.

"I saw you with Kem the other night."

"Is that what this about Abby? Getting back at me?" His voice rising with each passing second.

"Don't give yourself so much credit. Despite what you might think the world doesn't revolve around you." I flick the television off and turn my body so it is facing his. Our eyes are boring into one another and neither of us are willing to make the next move. Finally he caves, jumping over the couch so he is sitting next to me.

"I don't know what is going on in your mind. But I am allowed to date whom ever I wish."

"And I am allowed to go where ever I wish." We stare at each other again, daring the other to make the next move.

"Kem and I- we have a weird relationship. We're not together though. We just- we have-had a child. Wendal and I. We were nothing but sex."

"I'm sure that makes her happy." I deadpan. "Sex with you wasn't that great afterall." I let a small smile cross my lips. He nudges me playfully.

"If I recall correctly you were pretty satisfied." He grabs me by the waist hoisting me onto his lap for a moment, before I know it his lips are pressed to mine.

Fighting, leaving in the morning for Iraq, everything that was once on my mind now seems to have faded. All I can feel is his callous finger tips rushing up and down my body, and the involuntairy shiver that is rushing through my spine.

* * *

**_Review Response_**

_**bobbyboots-** The first chaper is defintely NOT irrelevant. Always keep that in the back of your mind._

_**Soaringmunkymuffins-**Yeah I know it's been a while since I've updated but I was out of school and then I recently have been working but I will have a few days off a week to update. And I don't think there is much swearing in this chapter._

_**Wella-** Thanks I am glad you like it and will try to update as soon as possible._

_**heather-renee-** There is a slowness in the carby stories but there are still a few good ones out there that aren't update frequently but when they are they are an awesome read!_

_**striker20-** Thanks. Thanks for reviewing._

_**krazypirategurl-** It's only fun if Abby leaves._

_**Tracey-** Heh thanks for reviewing. I was snowed under with school stuff and now I am packed with work, so I am trying to find time to write. I have the next chapter all planned out in my mind so hopefully I will get a chapter out a week. I do enjoy your work... you should write a new fic. Thanks for reading!_


	9. Moments in Time

_**Authors Note- **Busy week. Finished this chapter miracoulsy though. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and who read, you know the drill. _

* * *

The minute my plane leaves the groud I am regretting my decision. Is this really what I want to do? I'm not sure anymore. What I am going to see over there is going to be more powerful, depressing and captivating than anything I have ever seen in my life. The way lives are lead in this country are going to be completely different then the life I have been leading for the past thirty-five years.

I expect an eye opener.

Huge eye opener.

So here I sit during the last few mintues of my flight, I am prepared to be thrown into anything, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I close my eyes and try to will my heart into beating at a natural, normal rhythm. Right now, if it went any faster I'm certain it would break through my chest cavity. The moment my eyes close I see what I have been trying to avoid seeing; our bodies in a tangle of sheets. His face when he saw me creeping out of the apartment. The way he called my name, grabbed at me, but he couldn't stop me, couldn't stop the inevitable.

So now here I sit, wishing I was back with him, in his arms. A place I know I will probably never be again. A man who is more amazing than I deserve. I open my eyes, looking out the window, hearing the drone of the flight attendants voice as she monotones the horrids we are about to see.

As people begin to file out of the plane I stay in my seat, not able to move. I can't believe that I did this. Here I am, unable to move, but here. In this war torn country, one of which I know nothing about, other than the odd thing I may see on CNN on my off days. Oh god, what have I done. I don't know what I am walking into. I am walking blindly into a war torn country. I look around me, my head spinning, my eyes searching for a friendly face. All I get is the annoyed look of the blond flight attendant who has shoved her hair in my face, as she leans down to my level.

"Ms. can you please exit the plane now."

I look up at her, searching for more than the obvious of what she wants. Reassurance. If only she could tell me that I have done the right thing. Of course turning to her for support is probably not the best idea.

"Ms." She taps her foot now. "Ms. The plane has landed, you are going to have to leave." I nod, not moving. She taps her foot once more. "Look," her voice rising, she is obviously indignant with me. "Do I need to call for security?"

"No!" Hello, voice welcome back. I grip the arm rests, "I- uh- I'm ready." I ease myself out of my seat slowly, I can feel the attendants eyes boring into me. I grab my carry on bag from the overhead compartment. Holding my bag tightly to my chest I leave the plane. I walk into the overwhelming heat, staring out into oblivion. I watch as other passengers push by me into the small airport. Soon I follow them, through the corridors, into the jam-packed airport. Too small for the amount of people.

I make my way to the luggage and grab the small bag I brought. I look around, lost for what my next move should be. The airport is flooded with unfamiliar faces, all with the same empty gazes. I spot a man holding a sign- _Abby Lockhart_ it reads; how cliche is the first thing that comes to mind, the second is to run to him, throw my arms around him and beg him to free me from this world. One I willingly stepped into. I fight the urge to grab him, I do walk froward though. I take in the tall gangly man. His face full of stumble, his eyes dark and emotionless.

"Abby Lockhart?" His voice deep, as he stares at me, his face experssionless. I nod, unable to answer. He nudges his head to the right, signalling for me to follow him. I do. He leads me to a small car, one that is far to compact for the three people in it. He points towards the back seat. I sit next to a tall man, who smiles at me. The man, who lead me to the car, slams the door shut, smacking the trunk, as the driver takes off into the street. I watch the man fade into the distance a little bit scared.

"Hi I'm Michael." He sticks his hand out as far as it will go in the cramped space. I smile at him, shaking his hand.

"Abby." I reply. He gives me the once over, and proceeds to talk to me.

"You ever been here before?"

I shake my head, "first time."

"Me too." He smiles shyly. "My girlfriend was not pleased..." His voice trails off for a second. "I assume you're here with doctors without borders." I nod my reply. "Me too. I geuss I should have said that from the beginning." He laughs a little bit, obviously nervous. "We got in this _huge _fight before I left...I'm sure she'll get over it." The look in his eyes tells me he is unsure of this, but I smile back at him.

"I know how you feel." I grin.

"Boyfriend?"

"Not exactly... But I understand, both of you." He stares at me for a moment, as though he is contemplating what I have told him, before he accepts it and gazes out the window.

The small vehicle plows through the city, into a deserted looking area, I glance around me. Great, this would be a good place for this cab driver to shove us out of the car and shoot us. Michael must be feeling the same thing as I am, becuase he turns and looks at me.

"I've been trying to set my self up to expect anything. But I am a little freaked out."

"That's an understatement," I say nervously.

He smiles back at me. His smile uneasy, but neither of us seem to have anything more to say as the car bounces down the dusty road. My fingers nervously fiddle with the freyed ends of my bag. I try to think of anything but the adventure I am embarking on. Carter pops back into my mind. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. I wanted to crawl back in bed with him this morning. I wanted to never get out. But the logical side of me forced me out of bed. I knew it was wrong. I never should have done that. But I just could not resist myself. I have held back for months now. Sitting back letting whoever else wants him, have him. But he belongs with me. He _was mine_.

My John.

My Carter.

I know we can never go back to what we had before. And I know I probably dug us into a deeper hole by not resisting him. But those brown eyes, the way his hands glided up and down my body. The way his lips set me on fire. Every inch of his body. His hot skin on mine, sent tingles down his spine. God, he's beautiful. I won't be seeing him for two weeks though. Two long weeks. Long lonely weeks. Though, I can't imagine things being much better between us when I get back. His last words to me were too harsh for there to be even a morsale of hope.

_"If you go that's it. I can't take you running from me anymore Abby. Don't run from me."_

The last thing I heard was the sound of the door clicking shut. The sound of our future going down the drain. But it was for the best. He's unstable. Whatever future we may have had it wouldn't have been for long. Short lived. I can't risk my heart for something like that anymore. I've done brief. I don't want brief anymore, and I especially do not want brief with him. Of all the people. Not him.

The cay hitting a pot hole shakes me out of my reveire. I look to see us pulling into a shack like area. There are people rushing about, but the structure is falling apart. The door seems to be missing the handle, windows have been broken, and I can't even begin to explain the way the roof is collapsing, not to mention the walls.

Jesus.

I stare for a moment before a man, with a shaggy beard and piercing eyes, rips open our door. His english accented voice catches me off gaurd at first.

"Michael Timmons, and Abby Lockhart?" He asks in a rushed manner.

"I'm Dr. Ben Richson. You can call me Ben." We both nod, as he takes my bag from me and signals for us to grab our stuff out of the back. "I'll show you to your rooms, and then I need you to get to work. We just had a base attacked and we will be having many wounded men brought here." As he speaks more cars begin to pile in. I watch for a second before Michael pulls on my arm bring me out of my thoughts and rushing me into a safer area. For the time being. We drop our stuff into different cabins, we are hurried out again.

Ben pushes a patient at Michael and drags me into a room. A patient is lying on a gurney, his leg gone, blood is spilling around him, his face covered in marks and bruises and he appears to have a gun shot wound in his left shoulder. Ben gives me the bullet, and leaves me with two nurses, and wondering what I got myself into.

* * *

_**Review Responses**_

_**Tracey- **Hey back:)! I decided on the Iraqi story line a while ago. I have an idea of how I am gonna play it out. I hope everyone enjoys it!_

_**Carbybubbles- **Hey I'm glad you like it. I hadn't updated in a while, but I plan to update more over the summer. _

_**noisemaker- **Heh a lot of people are saying they like this new story line. _

_**striker20- **Thank you very much._

_**Soaringmunkymuffins-** heh. I do swear a lot. haha. (only in my writing though.)_

_**Heather-renne-** Haha thanks. Yeah Africa story line doesn't really fit in this story._


	10. Another World

_**Authors Note- **Another chapter. One a week is what I'm going for. I wrote this a two different times. I'm not sure what you will think. Anyways I hope you like it. Thanks for the reviews they rock my world. I don't think there are many chapters left in this think though. Maybe 3-4 depending. Anyways leave a review please! Thanks!_

_

* * *

_

The rain pours around me, drenching me in its endless unhappiness. The bruised sky hangs over head, shielding us from the angry grumbles, and the white light that fills the sky. People flood the streets, young children running in the muck, getting to the closest shelter as bullets fire off in the background. Screams echo through the loud thunder, and a mothers cry is all that can be heard, as Ben informs her that her son didn't make it.

I stand for a moment listening to his empty words. Words that cannot even come close to filling the void that she is now faces with her. Cries are momentairly muffled by Ben's chest, before her feet stomp the ground and her fists flail in the air. "He was all I had. _All_ I had." Tears prick at my eyes, threatening to mix in with the rain. Her sobs continue as her voice carries into the night. "He was only a boy-" I listen to her accented voice shriek. (She is one of the few who speaks fluent english.) "My boy-" her voice cuts off at the end, as she falls to the ground, hugging her knees. Muddy covers her, rain falls down around her. And we are helpless to her. All we can do is watch. Watch as she lives with a lifetime of painful memories and painful experiences. The only good she had, now gone, a stray bullet taking all she has away from her.

Ben's eyes lift from the ground to meet my own. Sympathy is all I can see in them, yet it is now enough. "Please." The woman's voice brings us away from each other. "Please give me a moment." Ben walks the few feet from her to me. Nodding as he leaves.

He takes the cigarette from my fingers, take a deep drag from the cancer stick. "Is it doing any good?"

"There's nothing that can cure me anymore. It only just numbs the pain."

"I know how you feel. And I've only been here two days." He watches me for a few minutes, I can feel his study me as I blush under his watchful gaze. His eyes search me, and I am not sure what they are hoping to find.

"Why are you here?" He finally asks.

"Probably the same reason you are."

"Running away?" I laugh bitterly.

"Some would say that. And partially I guess. I wanted to do- I wanted to help someone other than myself. Use my skill for good... for once."

"Is it what you expected?"

"I'm not sure. Nothing can ever be exactly what you expected. Life is full of let downs. So usually, I tend to see the worst in people and situations. So I guess this was the one time where the experience was actually worst then I conjured up."

"You're very cynical. I look that." Ben says giving me an amused look. I glance back at him, giving him a similar look.

"It's part of my charm."

We stand in a compatiable silence for a moment, as the rain tumbles down around us. The woman has risen to her feet, and we both watch as she makes her way back into the small clinic, she smiles back at us painfully. Wiping a stray tear from her cheeks.

"Where are you from?" His voice breaks the silence once again, colliding with the thunder.

"Chicago." I reply simply.

"Hmm. The windy city. I've never been, thankful for it."

"It's home to me." I sigh, my thoughts once again sliding back to Carter. It seemed more like home when things were sorta out with him. That sinking feeling that I have felt so many times during this whole ordeal has resurface. "You?" I plaster a fake smile on my face. "Where are you from?"

"Canada." He states simply. "Or at least that's where I orginate. I now live in Minnesota, unfortunately."

"I grew up in Minnesota."

"Really? Maybe that's why I am so drawn to you." Our eyes remain locked for a few moments before Mable, one of the nurses pulls open the door and shouts for me, telling me one of my patients is waking.

"Craig Delaware." She says as I walk into the make shift hospital/clinic.

"Who?"

"The guy you had your first night. GSW, leg amputated. He's awake."

"God, I thought he'd never wake." I say stunned, walking into the open space that is his room. He lies motionless on the bed, his face turned towards me. He blinks. Just barely. But enough to know that it happened.I move closer to him, pulling up a chair.

"Hi." He more mouths than says. His worn body doesn't move, his mouth is dry and painful. Bringing water closer to him he takes a sip. And another. Until he begins to speak. His voice less rustic. "Does my family know."

I nod. I'm not sure what to say. I feel as though I know him. I have come in here every night since that first night I was here. Just to check on him. I slept here the first night. I got too attached, too fast.

_"He has a wallet." The nurse, Maurice, pulls the wallet out of his back pocket thumbing through it. She notices a clump of paper in the main part of the waller. Pulling it out she hands it to me. "Craig Osward." I mumble. I look over the piece of paper, reading the scrawls that he has written._

**_Please notify my wife, Danny (Danielle Osward), if anything were to happen to me. Please let her know that I love her. Tell my children I love them. _**

_I thumb the small piece of paper, shoving it aside to reveal a picture. A woman sitting with three young children. The oldest couldn't be older than five, the youngest not quite a year. The children all have smiles on their faces, huge smiles. The baby is pulling at his mothers hair. She's beautiful, as are the children. The oldest boy looks identical to his father. His big brown eyes, his smile. Even through his scratchy beard, sunken eyes and worn face I can tell how handsome he is. _

_I shove the paper back into the wallet, looking down on my patient. He's stable now. Just barely. He will probably never wake up. But he's stable._

"Do they think I'm dead?"

I shake my head, again unable to find the words.

"They-" I try. "They know you are in serious condition. _Were_." He stares at me, those brown eyes boring into my own. "You were in serious condition. We didn't think you would ever wake up." He stares again, his face sad. "We had to amputate your leg." I tell him, not sure of what his reaction will be. There was no way we could leave his leg without loosing him. We had to amputate it higher than we thought. Above the knee. Part of it had been blown off when I got him. But more is gone now.

"I need to go home." Is all he says.

"We're seeing what we can do." I murmur.

"I need to see my fam-family." His voice cracks. "I can't die without seeing them." I watch him for a second. He isn't as serious as he was before. But there is a chance he may not live. He knows that.

"I can try to call them when the rain clears."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me." I turn my face away from him. I can't look at him. Had we been in Chicago we would have been able to do more, he would be at home with his family. He wouldn't be like this. I can't change the situation or location. But I don't want his thanks, I didn't do anything, I don't feel as though I did anything. As though I made an impact.

"Do you have a family."

I turn back to him, studying him carefully. "No."

"You're missing out."

"I'll never know."

"Maybe so. But if you ever get the chance take it." He swallows, his dry throat cracking. "They are my world. What keeps me going."

"What are their names." Both our eyes trace a line to the picture I set up beside his bed, resting against the wall.

"My oldest is Benny. He was unexpected." He smiles slightly, "I was so scared. Neither one of us knew what to do, we were so young. So dumb, so in love. I was twenty-two she was twenty. Out parents, well they wanted to kill us. Mainly me. But I don't regret it not for a second. We married as soon as we could. It was the best decision I had ever made. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met, I don't regret that. My father wanted me to wait." I can see a tear at the corner of his eye.

"I never wanted to disappoint him. He wanted me to go be a lawyer, I wanted to serve my country. He wanted me to focus on my carrer, I wanted to start a family. He wanted me to have better than he had. He loved us, my mom brother and me, but I could always see a longing for something more in his eyes. I hope my kids never see that in mine. Benny's only five, he'll be starting his second year of kindergarten in a week. I haven't seen him in ten months, and that was only for a few days. Just long enough to get my wife pregnant again and come back out here."

I smile at him, his world is in shambles right now, and he's still smiling, because of what he has. I wish I could say that I appreciated my family, and lifee that much. "He looks exactly like you."

"I know." He smiles. "Benny is amazing, just fantastic. I've been here for two years, two visits home. It's horrible. We had just had my daughter Kali when I came here." We both glance at the picture of the little red headed girl, her hair colour the only this seperating her from being a spitting image of her mother. "She was six months and I had to take off. I was so upset. But I didn't know I would be here for this long. Now she's almost three and I don't know her. I barely know my family.

"Colby is ten months, I have never met him. My mother was sick, so I came home for a few days, and created Colby while I was there. My wife wanted to name his after me, but I didn't want that." He bites his lower lip to stop himself from crying. "I love them all so much."

My voice breaks through the silence unexpectanly. "What was it like leaving them?"

"Horrible. My wife was trying not to cry. Benny wouldn't talk to me when he found out I was leaving he walked around the house saying his daddy didn't love him. I did, I do. I never wanted him to think that. But he didn't understand. He didn't get it. He still doesn't. He's too young.

"I'm just so envious of those who get to live their lives with the ones they love. To spend every waking moment with them. It's a rarity that people appreciate it though. Fully appreciate it." HE stops speaking, leaving me alone with my tretorus thoughts. Knowing how wrong I am. How wrong I have been to live my life pitying myself. Thinking the world was out to get me, never truly loving anyone. Taking the men in my life, the _man_ in my life, for granted.

"Are you married?"

"No. Will you excuse me for a second?"

He looks at me nodding. I rush to the phone, picking it up, a wave of relief washes over me, as I hear the unsteady dial tone. I punch in the numbers as fast as possible.

A tired voice booms over the line. "Carter?"

* * *

_**Review Respones**_

_**Noisemaker-** Thanks, this chapters a little choppy, but I tried to get inside Abby's head as much as possible._

_**Striker20-** Thanks I tried to do that again._

_**Soaringmunkymuffins- **Once a week is what I'm going for with chapters._

_**Tracey-** Thank you. Micheal will be around I think... Maybe. _


End file.
